annastacia…

Somebody posted this on facebook and it made me laugh, enjoy. I normally hate cat stuff if it really matters.

Not really sure what else to write about. I feel kind of “blah” lately. My wisdom teeth are -finally- gracing me with their appearance and they’re growing in all out of whack so it’s super painful. I will have to have them removed soon, yech. For obvious reasons, I am not terribly excited about that. I’m also really stressed about money – I’m about to be laid off again and I’m on the prowl for a new job but will be worrying until I actually find one. (Note to other job hunters, it helps if you actually set up your voicemail before applying for any jobs, yeah I’m a dumbass).

I guess I have been playing around *a lot* since I discovered the BDSM scene here a month ago. I don’t really mean to but it’s been pretty steady, me getting beat or experimenting in some fashion or another… it’s the weirdest feeling for me to miss it when it’s not happening, even though I know it couldn’t possibly happen every day, that’s just not healthy in my opinion. I miss it when it’s not happening yet I also wonder sometimes if I am going overboard. I know it’s so easy to get caught up in something that’s new and exciting. I wonder how firmly my blinders are in place also. All I really know is that I feel exactly, if not even better, then how I did when I finally discovered ABDL and found out I wasn’t the only one… it’s the same feeling, just much, much stronger.

Gah, I guess despite all that, I just feel kinda blue. D:

I really do enjoy ageplay.

I might hate the whole, or most of ABDL, it’s true. I hate the way it’s represented and the way it’s so easy to be misconstrued and misunderstood. I don’t being liked lumped into the same category as retard old fat men who suck on pacifiers and force the whole internet to look at their disgusting too small poopy diapers. I hate talking to horny, overeager young diaper lovers, who can only keep their hand off their dick long enough to ask me whether or not I’m wearing a diaper, if it’s wet or if I’ll call them daddy. I rarely explain how I found and got into this scene to anybody anymore, unless I feel like they’re not being a retarded pervert.

It’s also hard for me to explain why ageplay isn’t the only thing that I’m into, though I think my submissive side will always react better to a Dom who can look me firmly in the eye and call me “little/baby girl” and mean it in some way or another (even if it’s not true ageplay, it still makes me feel sooo much more submissive). It’s hard to explain why I like ageplay or why it led me to BDSM, when now I can look at myself and be like “duh, you’re a masochist, you knew that all along, that’s why you ended up here you loser, not because you want somebody you can be a witsy little baby girl for, idiot!”. Yeah, I know that now. It is an odd sensation for me to actually mix up ageplay and pain because those are two things I have always kept seperate in my fantasies.

But the truth is, I do like ageplay, whether it’s the main event, or the little giggles that can make somebody smile. Even outside of the bedroom, for me it’s fun and cute. While, yeah, admittedly, I’d probably get bored actually coloring or doing something like that, it’s fun to pretend. I like earning my spankings by way of being a bratty little girl. Although it embarrasses me to a degree, I like a daddy who is willing to put a diaper on me, when I’m being potty challenged, even forcibly. It’s an element of submissiveness that when I actually fall into the role and stop pretending and just do what feels right, is actually pretty great for me.

But it’s not all or nothing for me, I guess. Probably because I’m a little pain slut and I like other forms of submissiveness just as much. I question whether I would do good again in a relationship with a gentle daddy dom, because I really don’t think I would. I think a lot of girls into ageplay have this idealogic idea of what a daddy should be, and I admittedly did too for a long time.  Now that idea of what a “daddy” should be doesn’t appeal to me at all.

I guess having all these ideas of what BDSM, or ABDL or ageplay should be swirling around in my head, conflicting, and arguing bothers me a little, or a lot. It’s one of those things that makes me staunchly believe that being poly is really my best bet, because then I don’t have to hope that I will find one person who will fulfill all those roles for me.

Hmm… just some thoughts…

Now old pic time (for those who are wondering, the “hypnotized” across it used to by the handle I went by in the ABDL community before I switched to my current ones)

i’m bored, and it’s 3am in the morning, actually almost 4 now. i’ve been up for most of the night – gotta stop doing this to myself! mostly i’m just wondering how long i could update this blog for before people realized i’m writing it again, but i don’t really care one way or another to be honest.

lately i have been doing a lot of stuff that i have never stepped over the line to before. quite frankly, i think my friends are sick of hearing me talk about it. i don’t really know. but like any other wonderful amazing young adult, i learn something new about myself every day and try to piece together my own identity.

i feel a lot of guilt and shame when it comes to bdsm. i don’t know why for sure. i’ve played in abdl/ageplay for years, and have long since passed the point of true shame with that, but liking pain and admitting it is another whole barrel of monkeys for me. my mother is a strong, extremely “hardcore” feminist. if there is one of her values that permeates with me always, it’s that i should be strong too and to never, ever let a man hit me.

so yeah. i guess i need to just get over myself, in all likelihood.